Before the ‘Butterfly”

We are all born into a unique body at an exact time and place with genetics, family dynamics, belief systems and environmental situations that we have no control over. We are all so different, with everyone just trying to do their best. As you read my background think of your unique blueprint and how it has shaped you to who you have become. Things like birth order, gender, race, religious beliefs, socio economic standing, childhood trauma, and your individual life experiences shape how you see the world and how you fit into it.

Thankfully, we have the power to change the course of our lives. It will seem that someone always has it better or worse, but none of that matters in the end. If we take what we have been handed and become the best version of ourselves, with all of our limitations and challenging circumstances we can be transformed, and live a fulfilling life.

Im still in this transformation process, but after all I’ve been through I have discovered tools that I know have been around for centuries, but have been forgotten in this modern age & lost by the mainstream. Fortunately the internet is a wealth of knowledge on what I’ve tapped in to, so there is an opportunity for re-discovery at our finger tips. I’ve realized that I’m just one of so many that have been touched by what I now call the “butterfly effect”.

Feel free to skip my background and get to the real stories, but this will give you a backdrop of who I was and where I was at in my life when the “butterflies “ flew in!

I was born November 22nd 1976 in Hollywood California into a fairly typical, yet dysfunctional white collar conservative christian family. The youngest girl of five siblings, with a brother 7 years older and three half siblings who were 14,16 and 18 years older than me. I was the baby girl of the family who was loved, but got lost in the shuffle and subsequently affected by the unhealthy family dynamics.

My father and I didn’t have much of a relationship, but he taught me the value of hard work, money management and most importantly to face my fears. Getting through earthquakes and roller coaster rides are the good life lessons he taught me. Later in life he was diagnosed as bipolar however, and used alcohol and work to cope, so needless to say it wasn’t a healthy home life. My mother tried to keep our family together, however she modeled the classic codependent role allowing my dad to mistreat her long enough for me to be affected by their unhealthy relationship. He left us when I was 12 which was a relief for me honestly. She let him back in a few times, however they finally divorced for the better when I was in college. They are both happily married now to other people and have moved on with forgiveness and grace thankfully!

The worst case scenario I dealt with at a young age is I was taken advantage of sexually. I have multiple memories through out my childhood of inappropriate sexual behavior from various people. I do believe however in the power of forgiveness and not holding on to those memories as open wounds, but healed scars. And, even then my “butterflies’ were there, I was just too young to protect myself.

Less damaging, but still challenging at a young age is I suffered from severe hip pain and still have to be careful. I was told by doctors that because of a genetic hip condition I shouldn’t do sports, which i regret for many reasons as I’m naturally athletic and needed the life lessons of being on a team, but they were concerned I may not be able to bare the weight of pregnancy later in life. I have three kids now and even carried twins however, so I proved them wrong thankfully on that one! I was also put on prescription pain meds for my severe menstral cramps, so pain and limitations were something I had to deal with at a young age. Thankfully nothing serious comparatively and Im relieved to say after a surgery in 2013 Ive been pain free for the most part, and my hips don’t stop me from doing what I love like snowboarding, surfing and dancing. Its the emotional scars however that have proved harder for me to overcome.

Thankfully through out my childhood I knew I was loved even though it wasn’t said or modeled in a healthy way. I knew everyone was just doing their best. I had happy moments in my childhood and will always be thankful for the love and care I received, but like so many we come away with conscious and subconscious scars we need to heal from as adults. I honestly blame no one!

I too have been far from healthy and have needed the same amount of grace and forgiveness to rise above my short comings and pain. Its an on-going process that I still struggle with honestly, but the one thing I know is that everything happens for a reason, and each soul is given a unique set of circumstances to grow from. The key for me has been thankfulness and perspective. I have spent enough time in hospitals to learn that someone always has it worse, and I don’t have it that bad considering what others go through. I have happy moments in my 43 years of life that I’m thankful for, but it has also been a life full of loss, trauma, and heartache, which eventually broke me down and led to a feeling of hopelessness.

My Christian faith very much molded me for good and bad as well. Even at a young age my spirituality was important, but I got lost in feelings of inadequacy, shame, low self worth, I lacked confidence and direction . I did what I could however to be the ‘good’ christian girl I was raised to be. I was a good student and didn’t want to rock the boat as I watched my older brother struggle. I did have a boyfriend however that tattooed my name on his arm and caused everyone great concern however. But, I did feel loved by him. He respected my physical boundaries, but like most young relationships I broke up with him in college and for good reasons.

Thankfully for my mom I found my way to San Luis Obispo, California in 1994 . I was accepted as an Animal Science major at California State Polytechnic University. My dream was to open a bed and breakfast on a working ranch. I was a city girl with no experience , but that didn’t stop me from believing I could. I managed a bed and breakfast and worked in the Eastern Sierras at a lodge as a cook. I cleaned cabins, chopped wood, fished, hiked and learned Im a mountain momma at heart . That was the happiest and free and alive I had ever felt.

In 1995 I went on a missions trip to Costa Rica however and had my first traumatic experience. I had no idea the negative affects that trip would have on me. My health and state of mind slowly deteriorating in the form of severe bowl toxicity, malabsorption and depression. I even contemplated suicide. Fortunately, I found a therapist but it took 4 years of suffering to realize that my ailments ( which were debilitating) could be traced back to a virus I picked up, which led to a simple dairy allergy that my body was unable to fight do to the trauma. Dairy free and feeling healthy now, but 25 years later and Im still deathly afraid of milk, ha!

I was 19 then , physically and emotionally suffering and my soon to be husband spotted me in a crowd with my curly brown hair looking healthy and happy, but underneath struggling. A few months later he saw me at a ballroom dance class alone. We danced once, I was so nervous but I made him laugh, and he said he knew then I was ‘the one.” Tom being a “born again christian” prayed for a whole year to bump in to me at the right time, but the stars weren’t aligning, so he hacked into the Cal Poly web server to get my e-mail address. An easy hack in 1996 when it was still called the world wide web, ha!

Tom had just gotten a job at one of the first companies to stream video over the internet . Making six bucks an hour making copies he slowly worked his way up. 18 years later and he became a digital marketing global CEO! He had quite the amazing career, but at the time we met he thought he was on his way to be an architect. We dated for two years which was challenging to say the least with my physical and emotional issues and the differences in our personalities. Even though we loved all the same things and seemed to fit, our core personality traits were the exact opposite. (16personalities.com is a fun free fast online test ) I really believed though I had it all together and would be the “perfect “ wife for him. In the end, we both failed each other, but we gave it our all!

In 1998 I was 21 when we got married. We bought our first home in 2000 which was quite the fixer-upper, but we had fun renovating and I learned a ton of handy skills. The tech industry was booming, but the company he worked for was going bankrupt. Tom took over as the interim CEO, and he was able to keep the doors open and made the company profitable. Unfortunately, it was at the expense of his health and our marriage, but we didn’t stop believing in the dream quite yet. We decided to buy a piece of property, and in 2003 we broke ground the day I went into labor with our first born son, Shane. Wasn’t exactly how we planned it, but it was still a wonderful time in our lives.

2004 is when the beginning of my trauma and loss began. I got pregnant when Shane was one, but tragically I miscarried while traveling in Italy when I was three months pregnant. My first taste of loss and second traumatic experience in the hospital- a worst case scenario and tragic story. I named the baby Rose and have amazing stories I will blog about how she has “showed up’ in my life to give me hope and courage.

Shortly after I got pregnant with identical twins. Baby A ( Ella) had a fast growing tumor that grew to be twice as big as the babies. She was given a 0% chance survival. The doctors told me to terminate the pregnancy as both babies had severe complications and my life was at risk as well. The second worst case scenario handed to me, but I couldn’t terminate and decided to take it one day at a time! I carried them for six months, but tragically we ended up having to let Ella go at birth as she was too sick and pre-mature to undergo surgery to remove the tumor. It was the hardest decision of our lives to take her off life support which spun me into a year long hidden depression. Miraculously though her twin Eve was born 3 1/2 months premature at only a pound and a half. Two months in the NICU in San Francisco and even doctors admitted she was a medical miracle as they had never seen a micro-preemie with her circumstances do so well. She is now 14 years old and a beautiful, strong, confident and wonderful daughter. In that time I learned this truth, “ Grief is a journey that can only end in HOPE”. A hard lesson to learn, but I would need it in the coming years more than I knew.

In 2007 I got pregnant with our third daughter Bryn. It was another high-risk pregnancy due to my C-section not being fully healed after the twins, but I made it long enough and she came out perfect with beautiful red hair and a spirit that lights up my life and keeps me on my toes. She almost died as well however at 4 months old from intestinal complications. The doctor said it was the worst case he had seen in 25 years. My third worst case scenario and most traumatic experience to date, but she too was saved and is an absolute gift from above. But, it all was taking a toll on my body and spirit. My faith, my marriage and my soul was beginning to fade even though I looked as if I had it all together! Life, to say the least, was challenging on all levels at this point with three young kids , still trying to be the “perfect” mother and supportive wife and give my kids a happy childhood. I was in complete survival mode however and not knowing I was living in a state of PTSD. Fight, flight or freeze on little sleep and a body can only handle so much.

Physically, emotionally, and spiritually I was drained to my core understandably, but I was determined to stay strong for everyone else’s sake. Tom’s job and other factors continued to take him away emotionally and physically too sadly, and I slowly began to feel hopeless and alone in it all. I even stopped feeling at one point because it was all too painful to feel and still function. I got into therapy in 2014 and that’s where my butterflies came in! I had no idea how much I would need them in the coming year which led to my worst case scenario to date!

May 2015 Tom got diagnosed with a rare and fatal cancer similar to what Steve Jobs was diagnosed with. He passed away five months later which we are still all healing from. Another worse case scenario for my family that ended tragically this time. And although we couldn’t save him, even he being a logical type A personality believed in my ‘butterflies’ and how they can help guide in practical ways. I know he has given me permission to share our stories and pictures in hope for it to help others and myself heal further as well.

I will share powerful stories of how not just butterflies, but hawks, dragonfly’s and other “ spirit guides” in various forms , as well as the numbers we see everyday and crazy coincidences came in my life to guide me through this time of our lives, and then help us all heal.

My hope in sharing these very personal stories is that you all are encouraged, empowered and inspired to get through your life with eyes to see the “butterflies” above us and your own unique synchronicities. It can be a tragic world we live in, but with enough awareness it can be magical, wonderful and transforming! A caterpillar can’t grow wings without the dark struggle inside the chrysalis to become a beautiful butterfly. But, once it emerges it can be free to fly!