“Dragonflies”

It was July 18th, 2015 our 17th wedding anniversary a month before the whole ‘butterfly’ ER story. Tom had just started his second round of Chemo and every day I saw him declining on all levels. His weight was dropping, his pain was worsening, and emotionally he was going dark. He was oven heavy pain meds which I didn’t know shut off your emotional receptors. All I knew is that he wouldn’t be able to sustain three more rounds of chemo if we didn’t get him to stabilize and get his pain under control.

Friends and family were supporting us all as much as they could from being there for him during chemo to making us meals. I was managing his home care, logging everything he ate, his temp, his meds, caring for our three kids and trying my best to shield them from the heaviness. They missed me and needed some happy place. I took them to the country club to swim that day as Tom had other family members visiting. That night the girls had been invited to a sleepover which I was so grateful for as I was hoping to have time to have a heart to heart with him to reconnect emotionally and see if he would consider stopping chemo to get his body stronger. As I was dropping the girls off I met a woman at my friends house whose friend had stopped chemo and gone to see a shaman and chose the natural rout and was cancer free. We talked for over an hour and I was so encouraged. She gave me a draft of a book that the woman was starting to write to share with Tom. I talked with my brother who was a cardiologist as well and I came home so hopeful on all levels. I wrote him an anniversary card, brought him up his favorite soup I had made, but the energy in our bedroom was so dark and negative which I later out found out why. He was upset I was an hour late and was questioning where I had been. I told him how encouraged I felt, but it was clear he had made up his mind and he was refusing to hear me on all levels.

We started talking about our relationship. I asked him when he stopped loving me and he said 7 years ago when our youngest daughter was born. I knew then for various reasons what was going on, but what could I do about it. That’s when I began to shut down emotionally and was in complete survival mode. During therapy he had told me he knew how to “ keep me in my box” and now he didn’t have control over me anymore. Our conversation was getting heated. He took off his ring, but this time I was determined to stand my ground and remain calm. I would usually run off crying, but my “butterflies” were giving me back my voice. I was turning myself right side up again. Standing my ground, but I silently was praying for an earthquake though or something to save me as I didn’t know how to break through to him and couldn’t bare it much longer. Right then, I heard a knock on the front door. My friend had brought back my daughters from the sleepover because their was an electrical storm and they were scared. I felt this overwhelming sense of being watched over. I went back up stairs and told him goodnight and that we would talk more, but it was time to rest and the girls needed me.

I woke up that morning to find at least 20 dragonflies flying outside my kitchen window. Did that mean something I wondered? I texted my cousin and she sent me a link as to what the “spirit guide” meaning of a dragonfly meant. They are one of the most flexible, strong, and beautiful of insects with their iridescent wings catching the light being able to hover backwards and forwards as they skim the water. Their spirit guide meaning is one of change and transformation, which is exactly where I was at in my life. I was changing. I had my voice. I had my strength and now I had my dragonflies to keep me grounded and continuing on my path of transformation. I had no idea the power that I had, but in the coming months it became clear that I truly was given a “supernatural” power as I ended up saving Tom’s life.

After he was admitted to the hospital they put him on an IV and all we could do was hope and pray that his bowels would open. Our son Shane had a football game and my family had come to watch and support as Tom was in the hospital. Sitting on the football stands, a dragonfly flew right past my face and immediately I knew something was going to happen that I would need to be strong for. The next play my son got hit and went down hard. We ended up in the ER for 6 hours monitoring him for a concussion. He ended up being O.K. thankfully and we had our family there to keep our spirits up. After six hours however I pleaded to the doctor to release us as I told him that my husband was in the San Luis Obispo ER with cancer and I needed to get us all home. He released us thankfully, but I knew my dragonflies had given me that voice otherwise we would have been there all night.

The next day I go to visit Tom. He was being wheeled back from a routine ultrasound to see if the IV fluids were working and to see the status of the tumor. I could tell immediately something wasn’t right with him. The nurses left and I asked him if he was O.K. He was having a hard time breathing and clearly was not O.K. I called for the nurses, but they weren’t coming. He wasn’t monitored at this point as there was no need they thought, but in my gut I knew this was serious. I ran down the hospital hall yelling for them to come. Once they got there he was going into cardiac arrest. Thankfully they were able to stabilize him quickly. After that however they moved him down to the intensive care unit. As they were getting him situated dragonflies were flying outside his hospital bedroom window. They were casting their dancing shadows above his bed and I immediately felt a wave of peace over me. If I wouldn’t have been there at that exact moment he would have died of heart failure as he had reacted for whatever reason to the dye they administered for the ultrasound. The nurse came over to me and asked if I was o.k. and was impressed at how calm I remained through it all. I just smiled and said it’s because I know we are being watched over.

I wish I had that photo because it was so beautiful and powerful to watch the dragonflies shadow dance above him, however I wasn’t obviously in the mindset nor would it have been appropriate to take a picture at that exact time, so you will have to use your imagination, but this was after the nurses left and he was resting.

The next spirt guide shadow dancer was a hummingbird. That will be for my next blog as it’s even more of a powerful story. I will share how numbers and colors, my gut feel and another crazy coincidence of watching a “ shark tank” episode all happened at a very critical decision time.