The next two days were increasingly difficult for Tom. The tumor was continuing to obstruct his bowels so nothing could go in or out of his body. A tube was inserted down his throat to remove the waste, but it was very clear that he couldn’t survive like this. It also became very evident to me that our local hospital wasn’t equipped to manage his care. Fortunately one his nurses happened to be our friend which helped me and was there for Tom when I couldn’t be. “One day at a time……with a little help from my friends” was the mantra that came to me as every day someone or something would come to help get us through each day. Toms football coach mantra was “head, heart and shoulders”, so everyone was rooting for us!
It was September 2nd now. I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, thinking everything through and knowing that we needed to get him to a different hospital which would mean I would have to be gone from my kids for who knows how long. A song came on and I hear in the lyrics say “ she has a pet dragonfly”, and in my gut I knew that this would be the last night I have with my kids. I was putting our youngest to bed and she asked me how I could sleep in the hospital. I told her when I was pregnant with with the twins alone up in San Francisco for weeks I would clasp my hands together and hold them close to my heart to give me comfort. I crossed my hands and interlace my thumbs and saw that it looked like butterfly wings. I had her do it too and told her that each of her fingers represented the people that love her, like mommy and daddy, Shane, Eve and her grandparents. Then I had her close her hands together. We both fell asleep that night with our hands clasped close to our hearts and I it gave my worried momma heart some peace knowing that she had something to hold on to when I would be gone.
I arrived the next day at the hospital and they informed me that Tom would have another ultrasound to determine what’s next as it was become increasing evident that the tumor was to blame for the blockage. Hours go by as we wait for the test and results and doctor to come in. I couldn’t get out of my head that we needed to get him to UCLA. I had my mom bring the kids after school and the kids had drawn a beautiful card of a butterfly and a hummingbird for their dad. They say goodbye. Tom turns the TV on and its the exact episode of Shark Tank from a year prior where my two cousins had pitched their idea called Zip-it bedding. None of the sharks bit at that time, but Tom believed in their product and had invested a sizable amount of our money to fund their company. Unfortunately it wasn’t the right financial move and we lost it all, but honestly it wasn’t the money I cared about at this point. I just felt horrible that he was having to watch it and be reminded of a decision he made that I knew in my gut wasn’t right for us all. I mean of all the gazillion TV episodes and thats the one that comes on!!! It almost seemed cruel. It made me start to think through all that he was being faced with. It felt like before you die and they say how your life flashes before your eyes. It was a hard memory to face, but he needed to let it go obviously. In the end it’s not about your successes or failures, its about your relationships. And, a lot of those were failing too sadly enough. I was about to ask him if he wanted to talk about it all, but then a nurse with butterflies on her scrubs walked in announcing that the doctor was coming in to give us the results of the ultrasound.
She sits next to me and as the doctor begins to explain the situation and what our options are . She nudges me and points to the shadow flying back and forth above Toms hospital bed. It was hummingbird! I quietly nodded and knew that no matter what we were all being watched over. Surgery was inevitable to try and remove the tumor, but even then it was a long shot. And unfortunately because of its location he would lose his bowel functions completely, but he could function with an ileostomy bag which removes the waste from a portion of large intestine that is surgically placed on the outside of his abdomen. My poor husband! He had already been through so much and this news was hard to hear, but we had no other choice. The choice we did have however was where to have the surgery. The doctor was hoping for UCSF which is where I had the twins, so I would at least know the hospital and the area, or UCLA. In my gut I kept feeling like we needed to go to UCLA however. He told us either way it would be determined by where the next available hospital bed would open up, so we would have to wait and see.
And we waited and waited and waited! I was beginning to get anxious so I decided to go the bathroom and get grounded. I remembered the dragonflies and the hummingbird shadow above his bed, the butterfly mural in the ER room, the nurse with butterfly scrubs on, my cousins shark tank episode and I saw how each step of the way it was already planned out like a sequence in a movie. All I had to do was be aware of the signs, trust my gut and stay grounded . My gut knew we would be going to UCLA, and I was right! I walked back in the hospital room, the doctor had just arrived with good news. Even he was surprised that a room at UCLA had just opened up and his connection at UCSF was on leave. I looked at the time and the machines above his bed and I saw all 11’s. My cousin had just sent me an article on the power of 11:11 and explained how my birthday being 11/22 was a powerful day to be born. Piecing it all together and I knew some how all this was meant to be and another confirmation that we were on the right path.
Plans were in motion to ambulance him down to UCLA immediately. I race home to pack and get everything taken care of knowing I would be gone for a long time. A blue dragonfly and yellow butterfly literally hover over me right as I’m talking to my brother who went to UCLA to become a cardiologist. The kids were in school so it gave me the idea to paint a butterfly and dragonfly on the windows in yellow and blue. I always do that for special occasions so they know that they are loved and thought of. I’m about to leave and my moms husband who we call Pop sees two black widow spiders above our front and back door. A spirit guide showing up foreshadowing my fate. I of course had to kill them as I couldn’t risk them entering the house. It was my way to say I will fight my fate, protect my kids, but even after all my efforts my fate as a widow was some how predestined . We haven’t had any black widows since however thankfully, and four years now have passed and I can look back on the story of my life and can see how it’s played itself out for a greater purpose. My life isn’t about “happily ever after” anymore, my life is about not giving up hope, rising above, transformation and finding my greater purpose. I couldn’t save him in the end, but I wouldn’t have done anything different. I gave it my all and the stories to come of being at UCLA for those three weeks and how my spirit guides and angels came to give me strength and courage are to come.
